Blooperheroes - The next installment

I didn’t get to the 100 views target that I did set on chapter one, but I did get 91 views, so I guess that’s good enough. Anyway, I know you guys have been patiently waiting for the next instalment, so here goes.

Blooperheroes

Chapter two:

The SHITs awoke bright and early the next morning. They were in their government housing facility, which was monitored with cameras, three armed guards stood outside the main door, just in case the hoodlums decided to attack.

The house was just like any other apartment in New York except for the fact that it had awful plumbing. There were two bathrooms in the apartment and both of the toilets were clogged. That was expected though, since the SHITs did piss a lot. The excessive flushing had drained the water tanks dry and as a result the showers were not working

“Dude, you stink!” David said to Marvin while making breakfast for the three of them.

“Kettle… Meet pot.” Marvin replied.

Ralph who had just surfaced from slumber was headed to the bathroom.

“You don’t want to go in there bro!” Marvin warned Ralph. It was a warning that Ralph didn’t take seriously, nevertheless he wished he had done so.

While the other two were in the kitchen creating a feast, Ralph was in one of the bathrooms cleaning up.

“Have you discovered your powers yet?” Marvin asked David.

“Nope. I feel just the same as before. Maybe a little more boring.” Replied David.

Half an hour later breakfast was ready and Ralph had emerged from his shower.

“That new conditioner is awesome!” Ralph said, stroking his facial hair.

“Holy shit dude! Your hair, it looks amazing!” Marvin awed.

“I know right?” Ralph said flicking his hair about in pure Baywatch fashion. While he was shaking his head from side to side his long locks elongated even further and knocked out one of the surveillance cameras and a few dishes on the kitchen counter nearly 10 feet away from him.

“Woah!” Marvin said, “Do it again!”

Ralph obliged and snapped his neck to the left and right again, frantically.

This time his beard grew seven times its size and wrapped itself around Marvin. Marvin was now three feet off the ground, engulfed in Ralphs beard, suffocating.

“Put him down man!” David said, springing to his friend’s aid.

“I can’t! I don’t know how to stop it!” Ralph said, trying to shake Marvin free from the constrictions of his beard.

Marvin was struggling trying to break free from the clutches of what he thought was pure facial-hair-hell, to no avail.

David sprang for his guitar and began whacking it on Ralph’s beard trying to break it. This didn’t phase Ralph’s beard in the slightest, but David did notice something. His fingers were on the frets of the guitar, creating a melody that would bring an angel to its knees. He held the guitar in his hands and began rocking out.

“It’s great that you decided to jam and all, maybe you can play at my funeral after this fucking hairy beast slays me!” Marvin yelled.

Ralph was still trying to pull his beard off of Marvin but he had no control over his mane. His efforts were only met with more destruction as his hair was growing and breaking dishes and furniture in the living room.

David was playing a heavy metal tune and each riff caused plates to hover in the air. Every tune he played made something or the other levitate around him. After a short while of strumming Ralphs beard was loosening up and shrinking to it’s normal size.

“It’s working! Keep playing!” Ralph said, while his hair returned to him. David’s strumming had freed Ralph but there was another mishap. Ralph was now under David’s levitation powers, floating higher and higher towards the roof of the apartment.

“Holy shit! You guys are out to kill me! Put me down, you idiot!” Marvin whimpered.

Marvin’s head was floating dangerously close to the ceiling fan, “Stop playing that damn guitar!” Ralph said, smacking the instrument out of Davids hands with his beard.

The guitar fell to the floor and with it so did Marvin. The guitar landed undamaged to the ground but Marvin bounced off his original landing spot and began ricocheting all over the living room. Marvin was bouncing around like a rogue basketball. Picking up pace and slowing down every now and then.

“Stop bouncing!” David yelled out to Marvin, noticing an open window in the direct path of his trajectory.

“I would, if I only knew how.” Marvin said, from four different corners of the room.

Ralph noticed the window and the perils that could follow shortly after David did. He smacked his chin outward and sent his beard flying towards Marvin and set him on the ground.

The three of them sat down on whatever furniture remained undamaged in their living room, trying to catch themselves up on what had just happened.

“So Ralph’s got super hair, you’ve got levitation guitar skills and I’m a fucking pinball.” Marvin said to David.

“Looks like it…” Ralph said, “Anyone want a beer?”

The others checked their clocks. 6:45AM; they nodded.

Ralph chucked his head towards the fridge, hurling his long locks at it. One side of his hair was opening the fridge while the other was managing three bottles. His hair snapped back and the bottles came hurling at his face. Two of them fell to the ground before making it back to their destination and the other one broke after colliding with Ralph’s head. Ralph had fallen off the chair to the ground.

David and Marvin laughed about this at great length while Ralph was still out cold on the ground in a pile of beer and froth.

“I could try, if you still want that beer.” David said as he reached for his guitar. Marvin nodded and hoped for similar theatrics.

David began playing his guitar while looking at the fridge that was still open, courtesy Ralph’s beard.

Two pints of beer came flying outside the fridge towards the two of them. Hovering over the counter and already broken bottles scattered all over what once looked like an ordinary apartment.

Ralph was coming to, he had barely gotten to his feet when David stopped playing the guitar. The second the notes stopped playing one pint fell to the ground next to David and another pint landed on Ralph’s head, knocking him back out.

David and Marvin were laughing again.

“Okay, my turn.” Marvin said as he got up and walked towards the refrigerator. He picked up two pints from the fridge and tossed one to David, “Catch!” he said. The bottle of beer went flying out of Marvin’s hand and missed David by what seemed like a mile. David ducked knowing he had no chance of catching it. The bottle hit the wall on the far side of the living room, but instead of shattering under impact it just bounced off that wall and began ricocheting in a similar fashion to what Marvin was doing earlier. Marvin noticed the bottle was coming his way and leaped out of the way, beer bottle in hand. The second Marvin hit the ground, his beer bottle went flying out of his hand and onto the wall in front of him, shortly after that the bottle bounced of the wall and smacked him on the chin, knocking him out.

David who was now pointing and laughing profusely at the days happenings was taken by surprise when the other bottle flew onto him and hit him square in the gonads.

The three of them were out cold, in a world of pain when Dr. Acula walked in the front door.

He took a look around the apartment and noticed furniture broken, plates shattered, beer pooling up all over the place and three knocked out superheroes who had now, unknowingly pissed themselves. He walked to the refrigerator, picked up the one remaining pint of beer and opened it. He took a sip and said, “The hopes of the entire world lie in the hands of these urine soiled fools. At least now I know what their powers are.” He resumed drinking his beer. Just then three armed guards walked into the apartment.

“We heard a lot of crashing and screaming, what the hell happened here?” one of them said.

Dr. Acula sighed, “We’ve been watching the whole thing, the noise started half an hour ago, where the hell were you’ll! This could have been a serious security issue! I should report you to the Attorney General!” he said.

“Erm, sorry boss… We were across the hall smoking a joint.” Said the armed guard.

“Oh… If that’s the case… Do you have any left?” Dr. Acula asked.

The guard nodded.

“To the hallway!” Dr. Acula said, “looks like these guys are going to be out for a while.”

Fin.

Blooperheroes

Blooperheroes

Hey peeps, I’ve been MIA for a while, but I promise you it’ll be worth it. Or well, atleast I hope it will be. I’ve been busy penning down an online saga. I call it Blooperheroes. So what I plan on doing with this story is posting it chapter by chapter. I would tell you what it’s about but it’d make a lot more sense to just let you get right to it. For today, I give you THE PROLOGUE & CHAPTER ONE. I reckon this would be a good time to set a target. When I make it to either 100 or 150 unique views on this post, I’ll post the second chapter and so on and so forth. Where’s the fun in not waiting? But knowing myself, I’ll cave after the first 10 views and probably post some more tomorrow or something. Either way, enjoy it while it’s still coming your way. Here goes…

Blooperheroes – The epic online saga.

PROLOGUE

In an era of darkness, where crime was the main occupation, the city of New York needed all the help it can get. Spiderman, The Avengers, The Fantastic Four, Daredevil, and every other superhero based in New York were on vacation. Even the Ghost Busters forgot to pay their phone bill. The proverbial, “Who you gonna call?” Was a question which needed answering.

The streets were filled with hooded men, from the terrorist sect known only as Hoodlums (you know… because of the hoods.) This notorious gang was led by criminal mastermind and clinically insane-evil-genius who went by the name Bradley. Bradley wasn’t the scariest of names, but what he lacked in first impressions he made up for in diabolism. The man reeked of scary; his face had a long scar running down his brow to his chin. He had claimed several cities in America, he wanted to be the one to overthrow democracy; he wanted to be worshipped. His goal, much like all other super villains was global domination. Starting with America.

The Obama administration had no idea with how to deal with the crisis. With soldiers in the Middle East and troops deploying every now and then, the options were thinning out and they were thinning rapidly, so much so that America was no longer the fattest nation on the planet.

In a desperate attempt to save The United States of America from anarchy, a bill was passed where in three brave volunteers were selected to become this generations saviors; the president named the project Super-Heroes In-Training, but to most New Yorkers it was a group that would be called by its abbreviation, for generations and generations to come: SHIT.

The World was on the same page for a change, and all major world leaders had handpicked a group of representatives who would form The Intelligence Department In-charge Of Terror Supresion, more commonly known as IDIOTS. They dug a hole deep into the center of the pentagon, for the underground headquarters of the Super Heroes In Training. They were going to call it Center One, but that name was already used up by far too many alien related feature films, so they decided to go with the cooler term: SHIT-hole.

After weeks of deliberation and statistical analysis the New World Government assigned team had found three young men who they would turn into superheroes. The process for doing so was a very unconventional one, it involved DNA cloning and injecting chemically enhanced superhero essence from the already existing superheroes; they weren’t trying to mimic any super powers but create new ones. The three people selected to become superheroes were handpicked by the head of Operation SHIT; Doctor Acula. He had devoted his life to studying the superhero sciences. So he scanned the streets to find his hopeful candidates.

22-year-old David Walker was a lonely guitar player. He was 6 feet tall, had long blonde hair and slight stubble. He looked older than he was but that was because he had seen more life than anyone; His parents were rich and famous but all he wanted to do was rock out. He had a sense of independence ever since day one. For meals he’d play his guitar outside a restaurant and people would be glad to give him their money.

21-year-old Marvin Jones was a shorter clean-shaven man, who worked hard on his fitness. He spent his free time in the local gym. That was surprising because he was actually quite a scrawny guy for all those weights that he lifted. He loved rock climbing, that was his most favorite thing to do in the world.

Then there was the 30-something-year-old Ralph, who was unshaven and unkempt. Everything about him screamed unruly. He was more heavy set than the other two candidates.

Doctor Acula saw great promise in these young men. He knew they were built of the stuff super heroes were made of. He knew they had potential that only his scientific method could tap into. David, Marvin and Ralph would become the SHITs that saved the world.

CHAPTER ONE:

“Now kids, this might hurt a little.” Said Doctor Acula, head of research while he strapped the three of them into hospital beds deep in the Shit-Hole

“What are you going to do to us Doc?” Asked Ralph.

“Oh, nothing much… I’m only going to scramble your DNA using these electro-magnetic pulses…” He said, while he walked out a door into a parallel room, protected by bulletproof glass. He pressed a big red button and mechanical hands came through the ceiling holding what looked like a modified solar panel.

“Then I’m going to have these very mechanical hands inject the superhero juice into your bloodstreams.”

“Oh… Nice!” The three test subjects said, in unison. “What happens once this is done?” asked a concerned Marvin.

“I have absolutely no idea. We’ll just have to wait and see.” Doctor Acula said.

He pressed the big red button again and the process had begun. Two armed military personnel walked in and stood by Dr. Acula’s side. The magnetic field was so strong that miscellaneous metallic objects were getting attached to the panels. The three test subjects look like they were in tremendous pain.

“Should we abort the mission Doctor?” The army man to the docs left asked.

“No… This is the expected result.”

The mechanical arms had been lowered, and the injections had been placed into the arms of the, now unconscious, volunteers. The superhero DNA was already magnetically charged and created a huge interference with the electromagnetic gamma rays. The three of them were pulled off their straps tying them to their beds and into the panels; causing the panels, and superheroes to be, to collide with the ceiling fan.

“Doc! The SHIT has hit the fan! We should abort the mission!” The other army man said, alarmed.

“Not yet! Almost there!” Doc had his hand on the red button in case he needed to stop the machine.

The three volunteers were now shaking profusely. Their bodies became pale and lifeless.

The army man behind Dr. Acula leaned forward and hit the doctors hand causing him to hit the red button. The three superheroes fell back onto their beds and nurses rushed in to check on their vitals.

One by one the nurses took rounds checking pulses and breathing. Everything seemed normal.

The Doctor was pleased. He jumped and hugged one of the army officers planting a small kiss on one of their lips. He quickly barged out of the glass room and went in to the room to wake up his new superheroes.

The larger of the two-army men punched the other on the shoulder and said, “We were supposed to be exclusive!”

“What do you want me to do? He kissed me!” the other one said.

“Dude… You have a gun, use it!”

Meanwhile the three little SHITs had woken up and come to their senses.

“Doc, I feel awesome!” said Marvin, looking at his palms. The others were already standing up and jumping around like jumping beans.

“Relax you morons! The DNA wont kick in until tomorrow morning. Until then you guys are as useless as you’ll were when you’ll first walked in.

“Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I’ve got some superhero stuff going on in my groin.” David said.

Ralph looked at the spot on David’s crotch where he was pointing to, “Dude, you just pissed yourself… It’s alright, I think I did too.” He said.

Marvin patted his crotch down and realized he too had created a splash. “Oh, yeah… Me too.”

“A minor side effect, you see for the DNA to reproduce in you we had to add some pregnancy hormones…” The Doc said.

“What? You made us pregnant?” Ralph said, furiously.

“No stupidface. You’re not pregnant; the DNA is. So it’s going to reproduce inside your body… The only side effect is that you’re going to need to piss a lot.” The Doc explained.

“So what super powers will we have, other than super tiny bladders?” David asked.

“I’m afraid I have no idea, I guess tomorrow will tell. You guys are free to go now; report back to the SHIT-Hole at 0700 hours tomorrow.

“No way dude. I don’t wake up before noon!” Marvin said.

“Yeah, I’m with him.” Ralph agreed

“Me too!” Said David, in agreeance.

“I’ll tell you what… If you guys aren’t here by 7:00 AM tomorrow, I will come over to your house and kill you. Then after I kill you I will rape your corpses. After I rape your corpses I will chop you up into tiny pieces, and then rape those tiny pieces. I would continue telling you about the other details, but they mostly involve rape, so you do the math.” The doctor said.

“Okay. Got it bro.” David said as the three of them walked back to their government assigned housing.

“Dude, that doctor was fucking creepy.”  Marvin said.

“Yeah.” Ralph agreed.

“Holy shit! I just realized something awesome!” David said.

The three of them stopped in their tracks and stared at David, hoping that he had discovered his super powers.

David continued with, “His name is Doctor Acula; when you write it down it’s Dr Acula… cut out the spaces, he’s Dracula!”

“Woah! That is pretty awesome!” agreed Marvin and Ralph.

A few moments went by without anyone saying anything to anyone; they walked a few blocks before the silence was broken. “Is anyone else hungry?” asked Ralph.

“I could totally go for a meatball sub right now.” Suggested David.

“Me too!” said Marvin.

“Cool.. but I need to piss first.” Ralph announced.

The three of them stood against a brick wall in an alleyway and urinated simultaneously.

“Look at us…” David said, “Three SHITs taking a piss.”

Meanwhile, the director of International Peace & Security sat in his office, monitoring the three superheroes that were currently laughing and soiling a brick wall with their urine.

He lit his cigar and went on to say, to himself, “Millions and millions of dollars, thousands and thousands of human hours and countless hopes are resting on these three fools. We’re all fucked!”

Fin.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE.