Blooperheroes - The next installment

I didn’t get to the 100 views target that I did set on chapter one, but I did get 91 views, so I guess that’s good enough. Anyway, I know you guys have been patiently waiting for the next instalment, so here goes.

Blooperheroes

Chapter two:

The SHITs awoke bright and early the next morning. They were in their government housing facility, which was monitored with cameras, three armed guards stood outside the main door, just in case the hoodlums decided to attack.

The house was just like any other apartment in New York except for the fact that it had awful plumbing. There were two bathrooms in the apartment and both of the toilets were clogged. That was expected though, since the SHITs did piss a lot. The excessive flushing had drained the water tanks dry and as a result the showers were not working

“Dude, you stink!” David said to Marvin while making breakfast for the three of them.

“Kettle… Meet pot.” Marvin replied.

Ralph who had just surfaced from slumber was headed to the bathroom.

“You don’t want to go in there bro!” Marvin warned Ralph. It was a warning that Ralph didn’t take seriously, nevertheless he wished he had done so.

While the other two were in the kitchen creating a feast, Ralph was in one of the bathrooms cleaning up.

“Have you discovered your powers yet?” Marvin asked David.

“Nope. I feel just the same as before. Maybe a little more boring.” Replied David.

Half an hour later breakfast was ready and Ralph had emerged from his shower.

“That new conditioner is awesome!” Ralph said, stroking his facial hair.

“Holy shit dude! Your hair, it looks amazing!” Marvin awed.

“I know right?” Ralph said flicking his hair about in pure Baywatch fashion. While he was shaking his head from side to side his long locks elongated even further and knocked out one of the surveillance cameras and a few dishes on the kitchen counter nearly 10 feet away from him.

“Woah!” Marvin said, “Do it again!”

Ralph obliged and snapped his neck to the left and right again, frantically.

This time his beard grew seven times its size and wrapped itself around Marvin. Marvin was now three feet off the ground, engulfed in Ralphs beard, suffocating.

“Put him down man!” David said, springing to his friend’s aid.

“I can’t! I don’t know how to stop it!” Ralph said, trying to shake Marvin free from the constrictions of his beard.

Marvin was struggling trying to break free from the clutches of what he thought was pure facial-hair-hell, to no avail.

David sprang for his guitar and began whacking it on Ralph’s beard trying to break it. This didn’t phase Ralph’s beard in the slightest, but David did notice something. His fingers were on the frets of the guitar, creating a melody that would bring an angel to its knees. He held the guitar in his hands and began rocking out.

“It’s great that you decided to jam and all, maybe you can play at my funeral after this fucking hairy beast slays me!” Marvin yelled.

Ralph was still trying to pull his beard off of Marvin but he had no control over his mane. His efforts were only met with more destruction as his hair was growing and breaking dishes and furniture in the living room.

David was playing a heavy metal tune and each riff caused plates to hover in the air. Every tune he played made something or the other levitate around him. After a short while of strumming Ralphs beard was loosening up and shrinking to it’s normal size.

“It’s working! Keep playing!” Ralph said, while his hair returned to him. David’s strumming had freed Ralph but there was another mishap. Ralph was now under David’s levitation powers, floating higher and higher towards the roof of the apartment.

“Holy shit! You guys are out to kill me! Put me down, you idiot!” Marvin whimpered.

Marvin’s head was floating dangerously close to the ceiling fan, “Stop playing that damn guitar!” Ralph said, smacking the instrument out of Davids hands with his beard.

The guitar fell to the floor and with it so did Marvin. The guitar landed undamaged to the ground but Marvin bounced off his original landing spot and began ricocheting all over the living room. Marvin was bouncing around like a rogue basketball. Picking up pace and slowing down every now and then.

“Stop bouncing!” David yelled out to Marvin, noticing an open window in the direct path of his trajectory.

“I would, if I only knew how.” Marvin said, from four different corners of the room.

Ralph noticed the window and the perils that could follow shortly after David did. He smacked his chin outward and sent his beard flying towards Marvin and set him on the ground.

The three of them sat down on whatever furniture remained undamaged in their living room, trying to catch themselves up on what had just happened.

“So Ralph’s got super hair, you’ve got levitation guitar skills and I’m a fucking pinball.” Marvin said to David.

“Looks like it…” Ralph said, “Anyone want a beer?”

The others checked their clocks. 6:45AM; they nodded.

Ralph chucked his head towards the fridge, hurling his long locks at it. One side of his hair was opening the fridge while the other was managing three bottles. His hair snapped back and the bottles came hurling at his face. Two of them fell to the ground before making it back to their destination and the other one broke after colliding with Ralph’s head. Ralph had fallen off the chair to the ground.

David and Marvin laughed about this at great length while Ralph was still out cold on the ground in a pile of beer and froth.

“I could try, if you still want that beer.” David said as he reached for his guitar. Marvin nodded and hoped for similar theatrics.

David began playing his guitar while looking at the fridge that was still open, courtesy Ralph’s beard.

Two pints of beer came flying outside the fridge towards the two of them. Hovering over the counter and already broken bottles scattered all over what once looked like an ordinary apartment.

Ralph was coming to, he had barely gotten to his feet when David stopped playing the guitar. The second the notes stopped playing one pint fell to the ground next to David and another pint landed on Ralph’s head, knocking him back out.

David and Marvin were laughing again.

“Okay, my turn.” Marvin said as he got up and walked towards the refrigerator. He picked up two pints from the fridge and tossed one to David, “Catch!” he said. The bottle of beer went flying out of Marvin’s hand and missed David by what seemed like a mile. David ducked knowing he had no chance of catching it. The bottle hit the wall on the far side of the living room, but instead of shattering under impact it just bounced off that wall and began ricocheting in a similar fashion to what Marvin was doing earlier. Marvin noticed the bottle was coming his way and leaped out of the way, beer bottle in hand. The second Marvin hit the ground, his beer bottle went flying out of his hand and onto the wall in front of him, shortly after that the bottle bounced of the wall and smacked him on the chin, knocking him out.

David who was now pointing and laughing profusely at the days happenings was taken by surprise when the other bottle flew onto him and hit him square in the gonads.

The three of them were out cold, in a world of pain when Dr. Acula walked in the front door.

He took a look around the apartment and noticed furniture broken, plates shattered, beer pooling up all over the place and three knocked out superheroes who had now, unknowingly pissed themselves. He walked to the refrigerator, picked up the one remaining pint of beer and opened it. He took a sip and said, “The hopes of the entire world lie in the hands of these urine soiled fools. At least now I know what their powers are.” He resumed drinking his beer. Just then three armed guards walked into the apartment.

“We heard a lot of crashing and screaming, what the hell happened here?” one of them said.

Dr. Acula sighed, “We’ve been watching the whole thing, the noise started half an hour ago, where the hell were you’ll! This could have been a serious security issue! I should report you to the Attorney General!” he said.

“Erm, sorry boss… We were across the hall smoking a joint.” Said the armed guard.

“Oh… If that’s the case… Do you have any left?” Dr. Acula asked.

The guard nodded.

“To the hallway!” Dr. Acula said, “looks like these guys are going to be out for a while.”

Fin.