Movies that would have been made better if I had written them

I came here hoping I could spill my thoughts on this great big canvas, hoping that I could get those creative juices flowing and hoping that somewhere, somehow, something might come to me. Something that I could write about. So I just sat here. For hours...

Okay, maybe not hours. It's only been two minutes but staring at a blank piece of paper for two minutes for the average writer is the equivalent of stapling your nutsack to the kitchen countertop.  It seems like it’d be easy, but then you get around to it and it’s just a bloody mess.

So in a desperate attempt to staple my, proverbial, nuts to the, proverbial, counter here’s what I’ve come up with… What would happen in certain movies if they were set in an alternative universe? That is the theme for tonight’s discussion. As you know, this being my blog and all, there is no discussion. Much like in the real world, all you have to do is sit there and read my opinion and agree with every little thing I say.

Let’s start with The Lion King

As you all know The Lion King was the most epic movie ever made. The scene where Mufasa dies still brings tears to my eyes…

                                             Sniff.

But imagine if Mufasa had killed Scar instead of the other way around? Mufasa and his entire family would have been outcasted from the Pride and Simba would never have become King. So instead of The Lion King, the movie would have to be called The Lion Who Killed His Brother And Ruined The Lives of His Entire Family For Generations and Generations To Come.

That’s not exactly a movie title that sells itself.

Titanic

There are many alternative possibilities for this movie, like if the ship had never been made or if Kate Winslet was actually just some ugly ass rich bitch who Leonardo didn’t fancy or if the movie was set in present day with global warming and all factoring in so that the iceberg wouldn’t even be around…

I know it’s based on a true story and what the fuck not but we’re talking about parallel universes here… Not exactly the most sane discussion.

My alternative ending for this movie… Imagine if I was Leonardo and I got to paint Kate Winslet nude? I’d watch the shit out of that movie. She'd be all, "I want you to paint me, wearing this." And I'd be like, "Cool whatever I can't really get off to it but I'll do it, you know, because I'm a kind and merciful god..." and then she'd go, "Just this!" and I'd be like...

That picture makes me smile like a little kid in a candy store.

And since I’m a lazy shit that brings us to our last parallel universe movie plot and that is... DRUM ROLL PLEASE! -

Robocop

Robocop was some bad ass shit man. The dude was a robot and a friggin cop. I don’t remember much about the movie because I was maybe four years old when I first saw it but I do remember him being awesome! Imagine if the engineers that designed him didn’t design him to be a badass vigilante mother-trucker, and instead he was designed by a horny female scientist to bang on a daily/hourly basis.

Man, GIFs make everything better. Except 9Gag. Those things need to get the shit out of there, quick!

That about sums it up for this blog post. I’m not, in the slightest, sorry for wasting your time since you came here to read a blog. If you wanted to learn something new and maybe expand your vocabulary and shit pick up a book. Dumbass.

That being said…

 I love you and I need you, so please come back.

Whale Whale Whale

In precisely ten minutes, it will be Sunday and I have decided that Sunday is the unofficial blog-update-day. So from this moment on I will only update this page on Sundays and every third Tuesday of the month, every second Wednesday, every alternate Monday and 3 Thursday evenings a year. Never ever on Friday.

I did promise a series of bedtime stories so here is the first one; It's about a little Whale named Nicky, and the story is written in a style that would make Dr. Suess cringe.
It's called -

Whale of a time

Nicky had homework to do, a ton of it too.
It was due tomorrow, at half passed two.
His friends moaned and sighed, "Come out and play!" they cried.
Nicky looked over at his parents bedroom, hoping his plea for permission wont be denied.
Then he remembered, and ever so wryly, smiled, his parents weren't there; it'd been two years since they died.

So, with a spring in his step, Nicky plunged out of his whale house hut, smacking the door behind him tightly shut.
"Alright where to?" He asked his whale friends,
"We'll swim way over there, where the ocean ends!"
"That's dangerous," exclaimed Nicky, "The swim out there could get tricky!"
"Oh hush!" replied his purple whale friend, "We'll not swim too far, just to the end."

"I don't know about this." Nicky said under his breath, "We could be swimming to our death!"
His friends ignored him and flapped their big whale fins hard, setting sail towards the end and far away from Nicky's front yard.

The three whales swam for what felt like miles, the one leading the pack had put on a big fat whale smile.
"We're almost there!" one of them cried
"Almost where?" the other replied.
Nicky smacked his fin on his forehead and just sighed.

He was in the company of idiots, going into a certain demise.
The fact that it would be so much fun, came as a total surprise.
"Iceberg, straight ahead!" one of them yelled,
Nicky tried to swim away from certain doom, he buckled and ducked and he thought he looked kinda cool.
"Haha!" laughed his friend, "There was no iceberg, April fools!"
Nicky stopped in his tracks, and gave his friend a few heartfelt whacks. "It's the middle of July." He felt a tear coming, he was about to cry.

They swam hard and swam fast to the end of the ocean. They couldn't see further but they felt little motion.
"I think we'll just fall off the Earth if we go down." That was his friends preconceived notion.
"Nonsense" the other one said, "If we go through we'll reach the other end."
and so they pressed on, swimming almost clearly off. There was a sixty foot drop and the tide there was off.
The three of them were sucked into the abyuss, Nicky tried to make sense of things, they were clearly amiss.

They got sucked in and swallowed. They were tossed around until they hit the ground.
Nicky grabbed his head as he wallowed. "My friends," he said, "They're nowhere around!"
"Who said that?" said a female whales voice, "Who said what?" Said another one, twice.
"Stop repeating yourself Ricky, it could be Nicky!" the female whale replied.
"Mom, dad? Is that you?" Nicky cried.

Two big whales swam towards Nicky, "My son! My Son!" exclaimed Ricky.
"I thought you two..." Nicky egged, "We never left you," his mother replied, "We fell off the edge!"
"So what is this place?" Nicky asked baffled.
"It's the end of the world. The world" Ricky said, "It's where you go when you're dead."

So the end came quickly and abruptly for Nicky, but at least his dumbass friends died quickly. The moral of the story is this, I'm saddened to say, follow idiots into hell and you wont last a day.

fin.