I came
here hoping I could spill my thoughts on this great big canvas, hoping that I
could get those creative juices flowing and hoping that somewhere, somehow,
something might come to me. Something that I could write about. So I just sat
here. For hours...
Okay, maybe not hours. It's only been two minutes
but staring at a blank piece of paper for two minutes for the average writer is
the equivalent of stapling your nutsack to the kitchen countertop. It
seems like it’d be easy, but then you get around to it and it’s just a bloody
mess.
So in a desperate attempt to staple my, proverbial,
nuts to the, proverbial, counter here’s what I’ve come up with… What would happen in certain movies if they
were set in an alternative universe? That is the theme for tonight’s
discussion. As you know, this being my blog and all, there is no discussion.
Much like in the real world, all you have to do is sit there and read my
opinion and agree with every little thing I say.
Let’s start with The Lion King
As you all know The Lion King was the most epic
movie ever made. The scene where Mufasa dies still brings tears to my eyes…
Sniff.
But imagine if Mufasa had killed Scar instead of
the other way around? Mufasa and his entire family would have been outcasted
from the Pride and Simba would never have become King. So instead of The Lion
King, the movie would have to be called The Lion Who Killed His Brother And
Ruined The Lives of His Entire Family For Generations and Generations To Come.
That’s not exactly a movie title that sells itself.
Titanic
There are many alternative possibilities for this
movie, like if the ship had never been made or if Kate Winslet was actually
just some ugly ass rich bitch who Leonardo didn’t fancy or if the movie was set
in present day with global warming and all factoring in so that the iceberg
wouldn’t even be around…
I know it’s based on a true story and what the fuck
not but we’re talking about parallel universes here… Not exactly the most sane
discussion.
My alternative ending for this movie… Imagine if I
was Leonardo and I got to paint Kate Winslet nude? I’d watch the shit out of
that movie. She'd be all, "I want you to paint me, wearing this." And I'd be like, "Cool whatever I can't really get off to it but I'll do it, you know, because I'm a kind and merciful god..." and then she'd go, "Just this!" and I'd be like...
That picture makes me smile like a little kid in a
candy store.
And since I’m a lazy shit that brings us to our
last parallel universe movie plot and that is... DRUM ROLL PLEASE! -
Robocop
Robocop was some bad ass shit man. The dude was a
robot and a friggin cop. I don’t remember much about the movie because I was
maybe four years old when I first saw it but I do remember him being awesome! Imagine
if the engineers that designed him didn’t design him to be a badass vigilante
mother-trucker, and instead he was designed by a horny female scientist to bang
on a daily/hourly basis.
Man, GIFs make everything better. Except 9Gag.
Those things need to get the shit out of there, quick!
That about sums it up for this blog post. I’m not,
in the slightest, sorry for wasting your time since you came here to read a blog. If you wanted to learn something new and maybe expand your
vocabulary and shit pick up a book. Dumbass.
That being said…
I love
you and I need you, so please come back.
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