Different Types of Readers

Since my first Novella – Rhode to Rouen is now available, I’m going to post a few links from where you can buy it before I continue with this post that, I would like to believe, is out of my ordinary style of blogging.

First things first – Here are the links as promised:

Amazon US -

http://www.amazon.com/Rhode-To-Rouen-A-Novella/dp/1482813742

Amazon India –

http://www.amazon.in/Rhode-Rouen-Novella-Shrey-Sahjwani/dp/1482813742/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388844282&sr=8-1&keywords=rhode+to+rouen

Australia -

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/Rhode-To-Rouen-A-Novella-by-Shrey-Sahjwani-BOOK-/141135701599

UK –

http://www.lovereading.co.uk/book/9781482813746/isbn/Rhode-to-Rouen-A-Novella-by-Shrey-Sahjwani.html

Italy -

http://books.inmondadori.it/Rhode-to-Rouen-Shrey-Sahjwani/eae978148281374/

Singapore -
http://www.fishpond.com.sg/Books/Rhode-to-Rouen-Shrey-Sahjwani/9781482813746

If there are any other places where you want the book, let me know so I can find out where you can buy it.

So now that business is taken care of lets move on to the pleasure part. Keeping in mind that I have made the jump from writer to Author/Novelist this post will be about… you guessed it… books and those that read them. Being an avid reader myself, I have experienced most styles that I’m about to mention. If you have ever read a book then I hope that you will be able to relate to some, if not all of these diverse styles of readers. So here goes.

1 – The Perpetually Uncomfortable:

If you’ve ever read a book at half past midnight and beyond, you’ve experienced what I’m about to explain.

This kind of reader starts by reading a book in what seems to be a comfy position. For me, it’s usually flat on my stomach, resting on my elbows with the book in both hands. Unfortunately the comfort is short-lived and soon one or more body parts become numb. Then you have to move into another position and even though it’s not as comfy as the original and it takes even less time to become increasingly painful to stay in you force yourself to stay in it for as long as possible, until finally it feels like you're sitting on molten lava. After you give in and move into another position, you experience a similar feeling from said new position. Before you know it, you're right back to where you started from.

This kind of reader always spends more time finding a comfortable position than actually reading.

2 – The Coffee Shop Reader:

I haven’t ever been able to sit in a crowded place and just zone out enough to actually finish a chapter or two of a book. Coffee shops generally are places where you would go to unwind, get some alone time or even hang out with friends. For some people who don’t have the liberty of having people for friends, myself included, we have books. This person likes to be amidst people and still be away from it all, it is a very rare and special ability and those that have experienced tranquility in a place as chaotic as a coffee shop will swear to the fact that it is the best way to read.

3 – The Last Chapter Reader:

Have you ever picked up a book and just couldn’t find it in you to put it down? I’ve found myself awake all night reading a book swearing that I would stop after I finished reading the chapter I was on but never actually putting the book down. I’ve tried, on several occasions, and inevitably failed to put it down. So for those of you that have experienced this, know that you are not alone in your eternal quest to put that book away and there are more like you.

4 – The My Book Is My Bookmark Reader:

I am one of those readers who uses bookmarks as bookmarks. Not a picture of something lying around, not a feather, not a pen, but specifically a bookmark; something that’s designed to be put in between the pages of the book you’re reading to remind you of where you stopped. Sadly, there are those that like to bend the corner of the page they stopped on and make a little ear out of the page so that they know where to turn the page to when they wish to return to it. There’s no problem with this other than the fact that it sucks and it completely ruins the fun of reading when you’re too busy trying to reconstruct the corners of pages every so often. I would go on a rant about how this upsets me dearly, because I believe books have feelings too and that they should be treated like children… but I wont because that would just be a weird thing to say… out loud.

5 – The Soaking Wet Pages Reader:

Do you know those people that sit outside on a bench with a raincoat on when it’s pouring outside with a book in their hands? The book is getting soiled to the binding but that doesn’t stop this kind of reader. They keep turning sticky page after sticky page as though water is papers best friend. Some of these kinds of readers take books to the bathtub to enjoy their bubble baths. I’m all for entertainment in any form whilst removing myself of filth, but reading in a bathtub is not my cup of tea.

6 – The Poopsalot Reader:

This is more common than some of the kinds of readers I’ve mentioned. I’ve been to houses where the toilets also serve as libraries with comic books and magazines stacked up in a neat pile in the corner for the passing of time during one of the most sacred of all human activities – pooping. I’m guilty of taking a book to the toilet every now and then, but then again which reader isn’t? If you have never tried this then I request you to do so seeing as how very little can come close to the joys of reading while excreting.

7 – The Part Time Reader:

There are those among us that only read when they are out of town on vacation or sitting in the waiting room of an airport. These people generally believe they are the most avid readers on the planet even though their entire library consists of light reads that are recommended for travel. These people are most likely the ones that use a kindle to read their books or have some other kind of reader. While there is nothing wrong with having a hobby only for certain situations, don’t be fooled into thinking that they will have read all your favourite books.

8 – The Naïve Reader:

This, I’m afraid, is the most common reader that there is - the one that’s only read Twilight, Harry Potter and 50 Shades of Grey. These readers claim to have read anything that’s anything and will engage in conversations about books thinking that they’re keeping with the times. It’s okay though, indulge a little… try to get these people to read your favourite books and they might just take you up on your recommendation, after all that’s all they like to read – books that are recommended.

9 – The Loyalist:

I was one of these kinds of readers when I was younger so I wont say much about that except for the fact that if you are someone that only reads books written by one author then you need to expand your horizons and pick up something new because you might just like it.

10 – The Movie Was Better Reader:

This is the last reader on this list, and I’m afraid that this sort of ‘reader’ is not a reader at all. Just a heads up for those of you that watched Harry Potter movies and thought you knew it all, you don’t. If you like movies based on books, the chances of you liking the book it’s based on is very high. So go read the books before you watch the movies.

That’s all for now, if you are not one of the readers mentioned on this list then drop a comment below if you feel left out. If you do feel left out know that I didn’t do it intentionally and that you are unique, just like everyone else.

So I’ll see you guys around, hopefully. Go buy Rhode To Rouen, it’ll help me out if you do. The links I’ve mentioned above should help you out with that. 

Ghetto Chicken

They say that everyone and everything that has been created has its purpose. I'm here to scrutinize that very existence. To lay waste all theories that mankind has put forth on the matter with my sheer wit and intelligence. I'd like to think that I'm smart and that I have smarts that can smart the smartness out of other people that think they're smart. If you didn't get what that sentence implied then I'm afraid that you're not as smart as I am. Ouch, that smarts!

Moving on though... If everything exists for a reason, what is the reason that eggs exist? I know that some of you might think that the life that comes from the egg is what the egg exists for but not all eggs make it to chickenhood. Chicken hood sounds like the chicken ghetto... but that's not what I was going for.

                                                                   "What up dawg?"

                                                        "LOL I'm a chicken, not a dog."

If all eggs are created to become something great, something fluffy, and something delicious with a side of corn-on-the-cob, then why do most of them make their way to our plates every morning? It seems unfair that some eggs evolve into adults to raise eggs of their own and others end up as omelets.

I could use an equally relevant example that involved humans but I felt like that would hurt some people’s sentiments so I strayed away from that string of thought. 

Which brings me to my next point: mortality. 

You know how in the movies every bad guy, inevitably, sets out to destroy the world but first gets sidetracked and tries to attain immortality?

No? Clearly I'm not watching the right movies then... but in the movies that I have watched the bad guy always wants to live forever. I don't think that they think things through when they set goals like that for themselves; I mean, just imagine... everyone around you is dying and decaying in a timely manner and you just stay the way you are forever. Everyone you've known has probably died a natural death and nothing is fun any more because you've seen it all and done it all and most probably killed it all. What do you do when everything has been done before? You can't get frustrated and kill yourself because you can't die. 

I can't come to a concrete conclusion about any of these things so I'll leave it to you guys. If you have an opinion on any of these things then drop a comment below. If there are no comments on this thread I will ignore my failures completely and post something else later on and completely erase this failure of a blog post from my memory.

In other news - my first two books are being published soon. I can't give you a concrete date because it could take up to 3 maybe 4 weeks for distribution to kick in but once it does I'll let you guys know.

In the one year or so that I've been doing this I've amassed a whopping 2,000 page views. I know it doesn't seem like much but I never thought I'd get that many so I'm counting this as a win. Thank you guys for being awesome and wasting your precious time here, I do hope you will all continue to do so when I become rich and famous. 

I’ve managed to successfully waste ten minutes of my life and hopefully a few of yours, so I think I’ll be on my way now. Adios muchachos!

Movies that would have been made better if I had written them

I came here hoping I could spill my thoughts on this great big canvas, hoping that I could get those creative juices flowing and hoping that somewhere, somehow, something might come to me. Something that I could write about. So I just sat here. For hours...

Okay, maybe not hours. It's only been two minutes but staring at a blank piece of paper for two minutes for the average writer is the equivalent of stapling your nutsack to the kitchen countertop.  It seems like it’d be easy, but then you get around to it and it’s just a bloody mess.

So in a desperate attempt to staple my, proverbial, nuts to the, proverbial, counter here’s what I’ve come up with… What would happen in certain movies if they were set in an alternative universe? That is the theme for tonight’s discussion. As you know, this being my blog and all, there is no discussion. Much like in the real world, all you have to do is sit there and read my opinion and agree with every little thing I say.

Let’s start with The Lion King

As you all know The Lion King was the most epic movie ever made. The scene where Mufasa dies still brings tears to my eyes…

                                             Sniff.

But imagine if Mufasa had killed Scar instead of the other way around? Mufasa and his entire family would have been outcasted from the Pride and Simba would never have become King. So instead of The Lion King, the movie would have to be called The Lion Who Killed His Brother And Ruined The Lives of His Entire Family For Generations and Generations To Come.

That’s not exactly a movie title that sells itself.

Titanic

There are many alternative possibilities for this movie, like if the ship had never been made or if Kate Winslet was actually just some ugly ass rich bitch who Leonardo didn’t fancy or if the movie was set in present day with global warming and all factoring in so that the iceberg wouldn’t even be around…

I know it’s based on a true story and what the fuck not but we’re talking about parallel universes here… Not exactly the most sane discussion.

My alternative ending for this movie… Imagine if I was Leonardo and I got to paint Kate Winslet nude? I’d watch the shit out of that movie. She'd be all, "I want you to paint me, wearing this." And I'd be like, "Cool whatever I can't really get off to it but I'll do it, you know, because I'm a kind and merciful god..." and then she'd go, "Just this!" and I'd be like...

That picture makes me smile like a little kid in a candy store.

And since I’m a lazy shit that brings us to our last parallel universe movie plot and that is... DRUM ROLL PLEASE! -

Robocop

Robocop was some bad ass shit man. The dude was a robot and a friggin cop. I don’t remember much about the movie because I was maybe four years old when I first saw it but I do remember him being awesome! Imagine if the engineers that designed him didn’t design him to be a badass vigilante mother-trucker, and instead he was designed by a horny female scientist to bang on a daily/hourly basis.

Man, GIFs make everything better. Except 9Gag. Those things need to get the shit out of there, quick!

That about sums it up for this blog post. I’m not, in the slightest, sorry for wasting your time since you came here to read a blog. If you wanted to learn something new and maybe expand your vocabulary and shit pick up a book. Dumbass.

That being said…

 I love you and I need you, so please come back.

Whale Whale Whale

In precisely ten minutes, it will be Sunday and I have decided that Sunday is the unofficial blog-update-day. So from this moment on I will only update this page on Sundays and every third Tuesday of the month, every second Wednesday, every alternate Monday and 3 Thursday evenings a year. Never ever on Friday.

I did promise a series of bedtime stories so here is the first one; It's about a little Whale named Nicky, and the story is written in a style that would make Dr. Suess cringe.
It's called -

Whale of a time

Nicky had homework to do, a ton of it too.
It was due tomorrow, at half passed two.
His friends moaned and sighed, "Come out and play!" they cried.
Nicky looked over at his parents bedroom, hoping his plea for permission wont be denied.
Then he remembered, and ever so wryly, smiled, his parents weren't there; it'd been two years since they died.

So, with a spring in his step, Nicky plunged out of his whale house hut, smacking the door behind him tightly shut.
"Alright where to?" He asked his whale friends,
"We'll swim way over there, where the ocean ends!"
"That's dangerous," exclaimed Nicky, "The swim out there could get tricky!"
"Oh hush!" replied his purple whale friend, "We'll not swim too far, just to the end."

"I don't know about this." Nicky said under his breath, "We could be swimming to our death!"
His friends ignored him and flapped their big whale fins hard, setting sail towards the end and far away from Nicky's front yard.

The three whales swam for what felt like miles, the one leading the pack had put on a big fat whale smile.
"We're almost there!" one of them cried
"Almost where?" the other replied.
Nicky smacked his fin on his forehead and just sighed.

He was in the company of idiots, going into a certain demise.
The fact that it would be so much fun, came as a total surprise.
"Iceberg, straight ahead!" one of them yelled,
Nicky tried to swim away from certain doom, he buckled and ducked and he thought he looked kinda cool.
"Haha!" laughed his friend, "There was no iceberg, April fools!"
Nicky stopped in his tracks, and gave his friend a few heartfelt whacks. "It's the middle of July." He felt a tear coming, he was about to cry.

They swam hard and swam fast to the end of the ocean. They couldn't see further but they felt little motion.
"I think we'll just fall off the Earth if we go down." That was his friends preconceived notion.
"Nonsense" the other one said, "If we go through we'll reach the other end."
and so they pressed on, swimming almost clearly off. There was a sixty foot drop and the tide there was off.
The three of them were sucked into the abyuss, Nicky tried to make sense of things, they were clearly amiss.

They got sucked in and swallowed. They were tossed around until they hit the ground.
Nicky grabbed his head as he wallowed. "My friends," he said, "They're nowhere around!"
"Who said that?" said a female whales voice, "Who said what?" Said another one, twice.
"Stop repeating yourself Ricky, it could be Nicky!" the female whale replied.
"Mom, dad? Is that you?" Nicky cried.

Two big whales swam towards Nicky, "My son! My Son!" exclaimed Ricky.
"I thought you two..." Nicky egged, "We never left you," his mother replied, "We fell off the edge!"
"So what is this place?" Nicky asked baffled.
"It's the end of the world. The world" Ricky said, "It's where you go when you're dead."

So the end came quickly and abruptly for Nicky, but at least his dumbass friends died quickly. The moral of the story is this, I'm saddened to say, follow idiots into hell and you wont last a day.

fin.

The wait is over!

Yes, you read right! The wait is finally over. All you blog hungry people are in for a treat because I've decided to start this thing up again! (Suspiciously good timing for that because I've sent my blog link out to a few people so as to impress them with my gift of the gab)

The shatterer of dreams, the bringer of rain... Oh wait, that was Spartacus. Let's try that again...

The doom of evil, the mother of dragons! No, that was Khaleesi.

The man they call Ludacris...

Okay screw it. I'm just going to say it the way it is. I'm back with a brand new sense of humor, (FALSE) an amazing new grasp on The English Language, (FALSE) and a new, brighter, more positive outlook on life (ABSOLUTE FALSEHOOD)


Since I have made a return to the kingdom of blogville,  I plan on making this thing look a lot nicer and what not, thus I will not have adequate time to focus on the content of said blog, but those are just minor details. Nobody really cares about that.

For those of you that were keeping tabs on Blooperheroes, that little venture I did with a comic book style online novel... Everyone dies in the end.


.
..
...

Of course I'm only kidding. The story will be picked up at some point in my existence, but until then there's going to be a lot of random blog stuff that most people will not like. Don't worry, I will not be here ranting about the things I have eaten and what I may or may not be doing with my life at this time: meaningless information or otherwise. Which reminds me it has been 48 hours since my last shower. Just thought you'd need to know that.

Have you ever smelled so bad that you can't stand your own stench? Yes? You filthy bastard. I've never experienced that. Even if I smell bad (Which I never do because I have two showers each time I shower. One normal shower and the next a deodorant and cologne shower;) I quite enjoy how I smell and when I don't smell bad, boys... Hang on to your women and women hang on to your knickers...

Now then, down to serious business... The last time I had put something up on this blog was about this time last year, which is sad for two reasons - Firstly, I had received a phenomenal response from all you, I would say beautiful, people, but I wont. Secondly, I was starting to actually enjoy people asking for more.
If you're looking for a FAQ, I'll give you a FAQ, I'll give you the best damn FAQ you've ever had... FAQ isn't slang for a commonly used swear word; but is, in fact, short for Frequently Asked Questions. Here are the answers to those questions:

Q1) Why did you stop writing the blog? I was really really into it,  your flair for the literal was unmatched and your wit, oof! So sharp it could make you bleed. I need to know, why?
A: Well, Firstly thanks for your kind words. I started the blog in a shameless and pitiful attempt to make some money, which I did not thanks to my lack of perseverance; and when I found out I would only be eligible to do so if my blog was at least a year old and active for those 12 months. Being the fickle fool I am I decided to put this thing on hold until I decided the time was right. The time, I feel, is now right.

Q2) What do you plan on changing in the event that you do come back?
A: Apart from the look and feel of the place, I'm not sure yet but when I decide, you'll know.

Q3) Will we have more stories like Blooperheroes? 
A: I suppose there is a possibility of that happening, yes.

Q4) Will you please write a short series of bedtime stories next? Pretty please?
A: Only because you asked so politely... Yes. Yes I will.

Q5) Are you as fun and as amazing in person as you are on this blog?
A: Awww, you're too kind. I'm afraid I'm not worthy of such praise. But the answer is yes. I am this amazing all day. It's hard being me sometimes.

Q6) Do you like ketchup with fries?
A: I do, but I prefer to eat them without ketchup. Thanks for asking.


That wraps up the FAQs and pretty much sums up my intentions with this blog for the coming weeks.... If you have any other questions you'd like me to answer then you can post them in the comments below or you can email them to me on iDontGiveaFAQ@gmail.com, alternatively you can call our toll free helpline - 1 800 FAQU2

Thanks for your time, and happy reading!

Blooperheroes - The next installment

I didn’t get to the 100 views target that I did set on chapter one, but I did get 91 views, so I guess that’s good enough. Anyway, I know you guys have been patiently waiting for the next instalment, so here goes.

Blooperheroes

Chapter two:

The SHITs awoke bright and early the next morning. They were in their government housing facility, which was monitored with cameras, three armed guards stood outside the main door, just in case the hoodlums decided to attack.

The house was just like any other apartment in New York except for the fact that it had awful plumbing. There were two bathrooms in the apartment and both of the toilets were clogged. That was expected though, since the SHITs did piss a lot. The excessive flushing had drained the water tanks dry and as a result the showers were not working

“Dude, you stink!” David said to Marvin while making breakfast for the three of them.

“Kettle… Meet pot.” Marvin replied.

Ralph who had just surfaced from slumber was headed to the bathroom.

“You don’t want to go in there bro!” Marvin warned Ralph. It was a warning that Ralph didn’t take seriously, nevertheless he wished he had done so.

While the other two were in the kitchen creating a feast, Ralph was in one of the bathrooms cleaning up.

“Have you discovered your powers yet?” Marvin asked David.

“Nope. I feel just the same as before. Maybe a little more boring.” Replied David.

Half an hour later breakfast was ready and Ralph had emerged from his shower.

“That new conditioner is awesome!” Ralph said, stroking his facial hair.

“Holy shit dude! Your hair, it looks amazing!” Marvin awed.

“I know right?” Ralph said flicking his hair about in pure Baywatch fashion. While he was shaking his head from side to side his long locks elongated even further and knocked out one of the surveillance cameras and a few dishes on the kitchen counter nearly 10 feet away from him.

“Woah!” Marvin said, “Do it again!”

Ralph obliged and snapped his neck to the left and right again, frantically.

This time his beard grew seven times its size and wrapped itself around Marvin. Marvin was now three feet off the ground, engulfed in Ralphs beard, suffocating.

“Put him down man!” David said, springing to his friend’s aid.

“I can’t! I don’t know how to stop it!” Ralph said, trying to shake Marvin free from the constrictions of his beard.

Marvin was struggling trying to break free from the clutches of what he thought was pure facial-hair-hell, to no avail.

David sprang for his guitar and began whacking it on Ralph’s beard trying to break it. This didn’t phase Ralph’s beard in the slightest, but David did notice something. His fingers were on the frets of the guitar, creating a melody that would bring an angel to its knees. He held the guitar in his hands and began rocking out.

“It’s great that you decided to jam and all, maybe you can play at my funeral after this fucking hairy beast slays me!” Marvin yelled.

Ralph was still trying to pull his beard off of Marvin but he had no control over his mane. His efforts were only met with more destruction as his hair was growing and breaking dishes and furniture in the living room.

David was playing a heavy metal tune and each riff caused plates to hover in the air. Every tune he played made something or the other levitate around him. After a short while of strumming Ralphs beard was loosening up and shrinking to it’s normal size.

“It’s working! Keep playing!” Ralph said, while his hair returned to him. David’s strumming had freed Ralph but there was another mishap. Ralph was now under David’s levitation powers, floating higher and higher towards the roof of the apartment.

“Holy shit! You guys are out to kill me! Put me down, you idiot!” Marvin whimpered.

Marvin’s head was floating dangerously close to the ceiling fan, “Stop playing that damn guitar!” Ralph said, smacking the instrument out of Davids hands with his beard.

The guitar fell to the floor and with it so did Marvin. The guitar landed undamaged to the ground but Marvin bounced off his original landing spot and began ricocheting all over the living room. Marvin was bouncing around like a rogue basketball. Picking up pace and slowing down every now and then.

“Stop bouncing!” David yelled out to Marvin, noticing an open window in the direct path of his trajectory.

“I would, if I only knew how.” Marvin said, from four different corners of the room.

Ralph noticed the window and the perils that could follow shortly after David did. He smacked his chin outward and sent his beard flying towards Marvin and set him on the ground.

The three of them sat down on whatever furniture remained undamaged in their living room, trying to catch themselves up on what had just happened.

“So Ralph’s got super hair, you’ve got levitation guitar skills and I’m a fucking pinball.” Marvin said to David.

“Looks like it…” Ralph said, “Anyone want a beer?”

The others checked their clocks. 6:45AM; they nodded.

Ralph chucked his head towards the fridge, hurling his long locks at it. One side of his hair was opening the fridge while the other was managing three bottles. His hair snapped back and the bottles came hurling at his face. Two of them fell to the ground before making it back to their destination and the other one broke after colliding with Ralph’s head. Ralph had fallen off the chair to the ground.

David and Marvin laughed about this at great length while Ralph was still out cold on the ground in a pile of beer and froth.

“I could try, if you still want that beer.” David said as he reached for his guitar. Marvin nodded and hoped for similar theatrics.

David began playing his guitar while looking at the fridge that was still open, courtesy Ralph’s beard.

Two pints of beer came flying outside the fridge towards the two of them. Hovering over the counter and already broken bottles scattered all over what once looked like an ordinary apartment.

Ralph was coming to, he had barely gotten to his feet when David stopped playing the guitar. The second the notes stopped playing one pint fell to the ground next to David and another pint landed on Ralph’s head, knocking him back out.

David and Marvin were laughing again.

“Okay, my turn.” Marvin said as he got up and walked towards the refrigerator. He picked up two pints from the fridge and tossed one to David, “Catch!” he said. The bottle of beer went flying out of Marvin’s hand and missed David by what seemed like a mile. David ducked knowing he had no chance of catching it. The bottle hit the wall on the far side of the living room, but instead of shattering under impact it just bounced off that wall and began ricocheting in a similar fashion to what Marvin was doing earlier. Marvin noticed the bottle was coming his way and leaped out of the way, beer bottle in hand. The second Marvin hit the ground, his beer bottle went flying out of his hand and onto the wall in front of him, shortly after that the bottle bounced of the wall and smacked him on the chin, knocking him out.

David who was now pointing and laughing profusely at the days happenings was taken by surprise when the other bottle flew onto him and hit him square in the gonads.

The three of them were out cold, in a world of pain when Dr. Acula walked in the front door.

He took a look around the apartment and noticed furniture broken, plates shattered, beer pooling up all over the place and three knocked out superheroes who had now, unknowingly pissed themselves. He walked to the refrigerator, picked up the one remaining pint of beer and opened it. He took a sip and said, “The hopes of the entire world lie in the hands of these urine soiled fools. At least now I know what their powers are.” He resumed drinking his beer. Just then three armed guards walked into the apartment.

“We heard a lot of crashing and screaming, what the hell happened here?” one of them said.

Dr. Acula sighed, “We’ve been watching the whole thing, the noise started half an hour ago, where the hell were you’ll! This could have been a serious security issue! I should report you to the Attorney General!” he said.

“Erm, sorry boss… We were across the hall smoking a joint.” Said the armed guard.

“Oh… If that’s the case… Do you have any left?” Dr. Acula asked.

The guard nodded.

“To the hallway!” Dr. Acula said, “looks like these guys are going to be out for a while.”

Fin.

Blooperheroes

Blooperheroes

Hey peeps, I’ve been MIA for a while, but I promise you it’ll be worth it. Or well, atleast I hope it will be. I’ve been busy penning down an online saga. I call it Blooperheroes. So what I plan on doing with this story is posting it chapter by chapter. I would tell you what it’s about but it’d make a lot more sense to just let you get right to it. For today, I give you THE PROLOGUE & CHAPTER ONE. I reckon this would be a good time to set a target. When I make it to either 100 or 150 unique views on this post, I’ll post the second chapter and so on and so forth. Where’s the fun in not waiting? But knowing myself, I’ll cave after the first 10 views and probably post some more tomorrow or something. Either way, enjoy it while it’s still coming your way. Here goes…

Blooperheroes – The epic online saga.

PROLOGUE

In an era of darkness, where crime was the main occupation, the city of New York needed all the help it can get. Spiderman, The Avengers, The Fantastic Four, Daredevil, and every other superhero based in New York were on vacation. Even the Ghost Busters forgot to pay their phone bill. The proverbial, “Who you gonna call?” Was a question which needed answering.

The streets were filled with hooded men, from the terrorist sect known only as Hoodlums (you know… because of the hoods.) This notorious gang was led by criminal mastermind and clinically insane-evil-genius who went by the name Bradley. Bradley wasn’t the scariest of names, but what he lacked in first impressions he made up for in diabolism. The man reeked of scary; his face had a long scar running down his brow to his chin. He had claimed several cities in America, he wanted to be the one to overthrow democracy; he wanted to be worshipped. His goal, much like all other super villains was global domination. Starting with America.

The Obama administration had no idea with how to deal with the crisis. With soldiers in the Middle East and troops deploying every now and then, the options were thinning out and they were thinning rapidly, so much so that America was no longer the fattest nation on the planet.

In a desperate attempt to save The United States of America from anarchy, a bill was passed where in three brave volunteers were selected to become this generations saviors; the president named the project Super-Heroes In-Training, but to most New Yorkers it was a group that would be called by its abbreviation, for generations and generations to come: SHIT.

The World was on the same page for a change, and all major world leaders had handpicked a group of representatives who would form The Intelligence Department In-charge Of Terror Supresion, more commonly known as IDIOTS. They dug a hole deep into the center of the pentagon, for the underground headquarters of the Super Heroes In Training. They were going to call it Center One, but that name was already used up by far too many alien related feature films, so they decided to go with the cooler term: SHIT-hole.

After weeks of deliberation and statistical analysis the New World Government assigned team had found three young men who they would turn into superheroes. The process for doing so was a very unconventional one, it involved DNA cloning and injecting chemically enhanced superhero essence from the already existing superheroes; they weren’t trying to mimic any super powers but create new ones. The three people selected to become superheroes were handpicked by the head of Operation SHIT; Doctor Acula. He had devoted his life to studying the superhero sciences. So he scanned the streets to find his hopeful candidates.

22-year-old David Walker was a lonely guitar player. He was 6 feet tall, had long blonde hair and slight stubble. He looked older than he was but that was because he had seen more life than anyone; His parents were rich and famous but all he wanted to do was rock out. He had a sense of independence ever since day one. For meals he’d play his guitar outside a restaurant and people would be glad to give him their money.

21-year-old Marvin Jones was a shorter clean-shaven man, who worked hard on his fitness. He spent his free time in the local gym. That was surprising because he was actually quite a scrawny guy for all those weights that he lifted. He loved rock climbing, that was his most favorite thing to do in the world.

Then there was the 30-something-year-old Ralph, who was unshaven and unkempt. Everything about him screamed unruly. He was more heavy set than the other two candidates.

Doctor Acula saw great promise in these young men. He knew they were built of the stuff super heroes were made of. He knew they had potential that only his scientific method could tap into. David, Marvin and Ralph would become the SHITs that saved the world.

CHAPTER ONE:

“Now kids, this might hurt a little.” Said Doctor Acula, head of research while he strapped the three of them into hospital beds deep in the Shit-Hole

“What are you going to do to us Doc?” Asked Ralph.

“Oh, nothing much… I’m only going to scramble your DNA using these electro-magnetic pulses…” He said, while he walked out a door into a parallel room, protected by bulletproof glass. He pressed a big red button and mechanical hands came through the ceiling holding what looked like a modified solar panel.

“Then I’m going to have these very mechanical hands inject the superhero juice into your bloodstreams.”

“Oh… Nice!” The three test subjects said, in unison. “What happens once this is done?” asked a concerned Marvin.

“I have absolutely no idea. We’ll just have to wait and see.” Doctor Acula said.

He pressed the big red button again and the process had begun. Two armed military personnel walked in and stood by Dr. Acula’s side. The magnetic field was so strong that miscellaneous metallic objects were getting attached to the panels. The three test subjects look like they were in tremendous pain.

“Should we abort the mission Doctor?” The army man to the docs left asked.

“No… This is the expected result.”

The mechanical arms had been lowered, and the injections had been placed into the arms of the, now unconscious, volunteers. The superhero DNA was already magnetically charged and created a huge interference with the electromagnetic gamma rays. The three of them were pulled off their straps tying them to their beds and into the panels; causing the panels, and superheroes to be, to collide with the ceiling fan.

“Doc! The SHIT has hit the fan! We should abort the mission!” The other army man said, alarmed.

“Not yet! Almost there!” Doc had his hand on the red button in case he needed to stop the machine.

The three volunteers were now shaking profusely. Their bodies became pale and lifeless.

The army man behind Dr. Acula leaned forward and hit the doctors hand causing him to hit the red button. The three superheroes fell back onto their beds and nurses rushed in to check on their vitals.

One by one the nurses took rounds checking pulses and breathing. Everything seemed normal.

The Doctor was pleased. He jumped and hugged one of the army officers planting a small kiss on one of their lips. He quickly barged out of the glass room and went in to the room to wake up his new superheroes.

The larger of the two-army men punched the other on the shoulder and said, “We were supposed to be exclusive!”

“What do you want me to do? He kissed me!” the other one said.

“Dude… You have a gun, use it!”

Meanwhile the three little SHITs had woken up and come to their senses.

“Doc, I feel awesome!” said Marvin, looking at his palms. The others were already standing up and jumping around like jumping beans.

“Relax you morons! The DNA wont kick in until tomorrow morning. Until then you guys are as useless as you’ll were when you’ll first walked in.

“Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I’ve got some superhero stuff going on in my groin.” David said.

Ralph looked at the spot on David’s crotch where he was pointing to, “Dude, you just pissed yourself… It’s alright, I think I did too.” He said.

Marvin patted his crotch down and realized he too had created a splash. “Oh, yeah… Me too.”

“A minor side effect, you see for the DNA to reproduce in you we had to add some pregnancy hormones…” The Doc said.

“What? You made us pregnant?” Ralph said, furiously.

“No stupidface. You’re not pregnant; the DNA is. So it’s going to reproduce inside your body… The only side effect is that you’re going to need to piss a lot.” The Doc explained.

“So what super powers will we have, other than super tiny bladders?” David asked.

“I’m afraid I have no idea, I guess tomorrow will tell. You guys are free to go now; report back to the SHIT-Hole at 0700 hours tomorrow.

“No way dude. I don’t wake up before noon!” Marvin said.

“Yeah, I’m with him.” Ralph agreed

“Me too!” Said David, in agreeance.

“I’ll tell you what… If you guys aren’t here by 7:00 AM tomorrow, I will come over to your house and kill you. Then after I kill you I will rape your corpses. After I rape your corpses I will chop you up into tiny pieces, and then rape those tiny pieces. I would continue telling you about the other details, but they mostly involve rape, so you do the math.” The doctor said.

“Okay. Got it bro.” David said as the three of them walked back to their government assigned housing.

“Dude, that doctor was fucking creepy.”  Marvin said.

“Yeah.” Ralph agreed.

“Holy shit! I just realized something awesome!” David said.

The three of them stopped in their tracks and stared at David, hoping that he had discovered his super powers.

David continued with, “His name is Doctor Acula; when you write it down it’s Dr Acula… cut out the spaces, he’s Dracula!”

“Woah! That is pretty awesome!” agreed Marvin and Ralph.

A few moments went by without anyone saying anything to anyone; they walked a few blocks before the silence was broken. “Is anyone else hungry?” asked Ralph.

“I could totally go for a meatball sub right now.” Suggested David.

“Me too!” said Marvin.

“Cool.. but I need to piss first.” Ralph announced.

The three of them stood against a brick wall in an alleyway and urinated simultaneously.

“Look at us…” David said, “Three SHITs taking a piss.”

Meanwhile, the director of International Peace & Security sat in his office, monitoring the three superheroes that were currently laughing and soiling a brick wall with their urine.

He lit his cigar and went on to say, to himself, “Millions and millions of dollars, thousands and thousands of human hours and countless hopes are resting on these three fools. We’re all fucked!”

Fin.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE.