The Brown Lodown

They say that racism is stupid because at the end of the day we’re all just people that are going to die, eventually. Then they say that if you want to be racist about shit you should learn from a Panda. Panda’s are cute little fuckers and all but they’re white and black and they’re Asian.

The thing is though, they may know about being all 3 of those races, but they know nothing about being brown. I do. I’m the motherfuckin’ brown Panda! Not to be confused with the Grizzly and any other kind of bear because they’re all brown too. Okay, so I’m not a fucking bear. I am, however, Indian and thus qualifying as Brown. So for this post I’m going to talk to you about the shit that you’d never know about brown people unless I didn’t tell you. Or well, you live in the Indian Subcontinent, then this post will just be a laugh riot about shit that you already know. Without further ado, here’s Shit that brown peeps have to deal with:

1: Television: You know how in the US/Canada/Mexico/Brazil, Europe/Australia/Antarctica/Africa… Okay, maybe not Africa because they’re poor and hungry and shit. What? You’re judging me for that joke? Screw you! You kept coming back for more of my shit and now you’re reading a post about racism and you’re calling me discoloured? Yeah… I thought you’d be sorry. So as I was saying, all those places have at least one television show that anyone between the ages of 15-30 would like. For instance Ripleys Believe it or Not, Americas Next Top Model, Canada’s Next Top Model, Australias Next Top Model, Ethiopia’s Next Top Model… What? There’s no Ethiopia’s Next Top Model? That’s just racist! Other than crappy television you guys also have that entertaining television show that’s great for all ages. So the problem with being brown is… You have none of that shit; we have Indian Idol: Which is basically a bunch of ugly old people dancing and singing shitty old Bollywood music. Now there’s nothing fun about that but the people in the more remote cities love that shit. Although, here’s what I think is wrong with that. I’ve worked in the Television business for about 7 years now; I am to the insides of television as the NBA players are to the insides of the Kardashians. I know that shit like the back of my hand. They say they’re only making Television to make money, now you should be looking to target the viewership from places with higher populations if that is the case. So your main target should be metropolitan cities. In India, the metros would be Bombay, Delhi, Bangalore and Calcutta. No one likes to see sob stories about what’s going on in the villages here. I live in a metro! I associate with people that live around me! I know that they don’t give the slightest fuck about how much money a farmer makes and yet our television is filled with shit that nobody in the metros watches. So you white people have it good. Put on the TV and you could watch some fancy Dragons Den type show, or you know switch on Showtime for your daily dose of tits. We don’t get Showtime here! Now they want to go ahead and make downloading shit illegal here, I mean more illegal than it already is with an IP trace and jail time and shit. I mean fuck you guys man! This is bullshit! We have to sit around and watch the shit that you guys know is full of horse semen. How is that fairer than us just downloading the shit you guys have already seen? This is turning into a bit of a hissy fit and a rant so I’m going to move on to my next point.

2: Women: Listen boys, if you ever thought Oh I gotta go get me a brown girl, those bitches be sexy! THEN READ THIS CAREFULLY: BROWN GIRLS ARE NUTS!! First they’ll make you fall in love with what they aren’t. They’ll give you as much space as you need and you’ll think about how blessed you are. Or if you’re really really Indian, you’ll think about how good you must’ve been in your last life to deserve such a goddess in this one, but take my word for it, you don’t want to be that Indian. So after they’ve painted a picture of how they’re your dream girl, your natural impulse is to ask them out. When you use the word girlfriend around her is the time you lose your penis, testicles, and all the functionality of your spine. A brown bitch doesn’t know the meaning of space. They may read this and think, bah, that’s a load of horseshit. But trust me, I’ve been around. A lot! No brown woman can deal with her man looking, thinking, daydreaming and don’t you fucking dare TALK to another woman. Now if you read things with a different voice in your head for different characters, I do that sometimes so I wont judge you… Instead I will encourage you to think of the brownest brown girl voice you can when you read out the set of questions that’ll be bombarded on you when you decide brown girlfriends are the way to go. You ready?

Where were you? Who were you with? When did you get back? I thought you were supposed to call me? Who was she? Was she hotter than me? Do your parents know? What about our marriage? Our unborn children! You are a sick bastard! How could you do this to me?

When she stops to take a breath, you can later explain that you were out with your guy friends, you know, people with penises. Even if it is true, she’ll cry and call her parents and tell them what a douchebag you are for cheating on her. If you have actually been speaking to another woman, brown, black or fucking Avatar blue; no sex for you, forever! Brown women never forget. Ever! The second you think they’ve forgiven you for something, they haven’t. On a romantic date one night you might be thinking Oh boy, I’m going to get laid tonight! Whereas she’s thinking, how could this bastard wear my slippers around the house Valentines Day 1947?

In conclusion – Brown women – fucking psychos.

If you’re a brown woman reading this post and thinking, “I am so not like that!” answer these questions:

1)   Are you single? (You probably are, if you aren’t you wouldn’t have the time to read shit on the Internet, you’d be too busy stalking the fuck out of your boyfriend)

2)   Why are you single? If you weren’t all that shit that I said you were, why are you sitting at home, alone, in your fucking pyjamas, reading shit that means nothing to you?

If you’re a brown guy you know that there was never, a truer thing said about brown girls. Sure they’re good looking, but we don’t have the variety that you white people do. White girls come with blonde hair, red hair, brown hair, some freaks with pink hair and the gingers… Mmm.. The gingers. They come with grey eyes, blue eyes, brown eyes, hazel, and the gingers with dark eyes… Mmmmm… Ginger eyes! Indian women come in Dark hair, Dark eyes, Dark skin. All 800 million of them. We don’t have the raw sex appeal that black people have. In India, the fairer you are, the more acceptable it is in society… So, black people here are not really thought of as the superior race, and I may be hunted down for saying this but they aren’t really the superior race anywhere in the world. Well maybe in Africa, but hey… Look at how miserably they’re doing down there!

So anyway, black people may not have be the fan favorites but if years of slavery are good for anything, they’re good for guaranteeing generations and generations of people so physically fit that looking at them makes the women wet and the men, piss their pants. Also, I know it isn’t just me, but whenever I see a black man, even if he is fully fucking clothed, wearing a suit and fucking trousers and shit, I have the most sudden jolt of Penis envy cursing through my body. Why are black men so hung? Why am I talking about penises? To swiftly change the topic, I fear I must move on from the subject of brown women and steer this in another direction.

3: Traffic and Roads: Now everywhere in the world people complain about shit roads and bad traffic. To that I say, you guys are fucking adorable. If you think you got the shit end of the stick when it comes to motorways and congestion on said motorways, you’ll don’t know jack. On a scale of 1 to platform 9 ¾ the traffic here is 100 billion. Think of it this way: The roads are like Dumbledore’s nuts, old, potholed and greasy… They can fit a specific amount of traffic and perform alright when it is asked of them. His pubes are the amount of cars on the road. Now you must be thinking, that’s a crappy euphimism, but I’ve taken the time to attach a picture of his face. His face has this much hair, imagine how much hair he has down there?

This isn’t the first time that I’ve ruined your childhood. The image of Dumbledores nuts should be giving you nightmares for decades to come. As much fun as that was, however, I am not here to tell you about old wizard genitals. I am here to tell you that the traffic here is so bad that you wouldn’t be able to survive a second in it. Here we have traffic lights and all but they mean different things than yours do. Green means go, Orange means go faster, Red means keep going but don’t get caught Oh look, I ran over someone Keep going, keep going… quick make the next light.

If you thought that was bad, our roads don’t have potholes, no no no… Our potholes have roads! It’s fucking ridiculous! You can’t go a mile without your tits slapping your face every second of the way. Obviously no one does anything about any of this. Who really has the time to?

Which brings me to my summary of things...

So if you thought it was easy being brown, think again! Yeah most of us have servants and people to drive us around and people that our pretty much our slaves, and these people are pretty cheap to buy. No you don’t pay a lump sum for their lives, you simply pay them a monthly salary of roughly 3,000 rupees or uhm 60 US Dollars, 50 Euro or 40 Pounds give or take a couple of bucks. Other than that though it’s a pretty shitty life. I mean I live in Bombay, or Mumbai as it’s known today and it’s supposed to be the commercial capital of the country. Nightclubs shut down at 12:30 AM. The legal drinking age is 25 years old. That’s a fucked up rule if you ask me. I’m allowed to vote for the government at 18, I’m allowed to have sex at 18, I’m allowed to drive at 18 and I’m allowed to marry at 21 but I can’t grab a beer with friends until I’m 25. I think India needs a Simple Logic Commission, the only problem is you wont be allowed to vote for them until you’re, well… Dead. That’s all for now, go be productive while I, sit on my ass and do nothing. Cheerio!