NonSense

The thing about having a blog is that you can come here and rant and fifty people a day will come by and read all about it. I would ask why that is the case but I think it makes more sense to go with the norm. I, the blogger, rant while you, the blogees, read.

So today I applied for Googles AdSense on the blog, because I, like all other greedy writers, like the smell, texture and overall goodness of money. If you don’t know what AdSense is here’s a quick break down. I don’t know why I’m doing this quickly because before I applied for the account Google forced me to read a few thousand pages on the rules and what the fuck not. Anyway, to the best of my knowledge; all those rules were adhered to. What AdSense does is: Once applied for, your blog or webpage will get advertisements from google. Now Google takes most of the money, I questioned that at first because it seemed unfair. I do most of the work and google takes all the moolah. Then I thought deeper and thought, If I was google I’d keep it all to myself! And then an extremely prolonged evil laugh followed, like so: Muahahahahahahaha…ha…ha…haaa! And then the sudden realization that I am in fact not google, but a mere pawn in their games. So now once the Ad has been put on your page, google pays you a fractional percentage of the gains. It seems like a good idea to get paid to do this because who doesn’t like money? If you don’t like money and you’re reading this
1: I think you’re full of shit.

2: I think you’re poor as shit.

3: I think you smell like shit. Because money can buy you shampoo.

4: I think you’re full of shit.

So anyway, the process is quite fucked up but they say they need 48 hours to review your shitty ass application. So I waited for all of 12 minutes and they replied. Here’s what they said:

Thank you for your interest in Google AdSense. After reviewing your

application, our specialists have found that it does not meet our program

criteria. Therefore, we are unable to accept you into our program.

We have certain policies in place that we believe will help ensure the

effectiveness of Google ads for our publishers as well as for our

advertisers. We review all publishers, and we reserve the right to decline

any application. As we grow, we may find that we are able to expand our

program to more web publishers with a wider variety of web content.

I mean… What the fuck? This is just balls. I read that whole brochure and everything. I think they’re trying to say that they need people that don’t swear and shit in their blogs. If that’s the case then I’d rather die a poor man than quit swearing. Swearing to me gives me the power to release endorphins like nothing else. Actually, scratch that. Jacking off probably could release more endorphins than that.

Anyway, I’m not one to beg but… If you would like to pay me for any sort of writing material(s)/work(s) then please please please please please please, pretty motherfucking please with a shiny ass cherry on top, please… leave a comment displaying your interest down there in the comment box below.

I normally try and keep this as funny and as relatable as I possibly can and I feel that I have not achieved that with this post, so in order to keep you coming back for more and more here is a picture of Simba's father (Mufasa) dying, from the movie The Lion King:

I know that’s probably not what you had in mind but think about all the happiness that that scene caused? Simba went on to become king of the pridelands and Scar got pwnd in that heated battle at the end of the movie. After this movie Disney went on to make The Lion King 1 ½ & The Lion King 2. I agree that both of those movies sucked, but atleast they were there! If Mufasa had lived then none of those fuckers would’ve ever been released.

Simba would’ve grown up to become the biggest douchebag in the world and wouldn’t have ended up banging that hot bitch Nala. What? You don’t think that happened? How do you explain these?

PRE COITAL

DURING COITUS

POST COITAL

PS: COITUS means SEX!

 There, I rest my case. Your childhood is officially ruined. If it isn't then I am sorry, you must be a Twilight/Bieber fan and those people don't like me very much at all. I was thinking that this would be a great time to add a Twilight joke but the problem is that I thought about what would happen if Edward Cullen got arrested. He'd be banged by every fat pedophile in prison. I bet his sparkly ass would be torn apart by sundown. 

Those very weird and obscene thoughts made me laugh so hard I think I may have had a miscarriage. No I am not a pregnant woman, I am a dude. Yes I lied about being pregnant. See? You asked so many questions that it just ruined the authenticity of the joke. Nice job, douche!

I also just noticed that I get sidetracked all but too often and it's proving to be quite an annoying habit. So in conclusion: Google AdSense refuses to tell me how to make money off this thing and I refuse to give up. If you'd like to see me make money (no there's nothing in it for you!) and would like me to smile (I think you should want me to smile because I try really hard to entertain you fucks!) then keep coming back, hit subscribe, hit share and tell your friends and parents about this blog. Actually, if you like your parents to think you are a smart person with great taste in all things, then you probably wouldn't want to tell them about my blog. That being said though... Keep coming back for more. If you don't share, like, tweet, +1 and what not I will bite your head off. Now don't be a dick and not come back because I said that. Also you can't sue me for saying that because it was clearly a joke, much like everything else on my blog. I did not mean that as a threat, It was a joke.... I shall return to this post in five minutes after looking it up on the internet.

 Okay so the internet says I should consult a lawyer. Right. I've googled a lawyer that seems to be reasonable and what not. I'm going to call this dude. I should be back to finish this post in a matter of seconds...

Okay, I have confirmed that you can not sue me for what I have said. I have even spoken to a lawyer and looked it up online. Phew. That was a close one. Actually... Why didn't I just backspace the whole thing? What a fucking twat I am!

... IN CONCLUSION: Google AdSense should change it's name to Google NonSense because they refuse to see the talent in me that I see and that's just plain unfair. I'm a brilliant writer and I'm a good looking person. (THANKS MOM FOR VERIFYING THAT FOR ME.) 

That's all for now. You know the deal... Subscribe, Like, Share, Tweet, +1, Tell your friends! If you don't know how to do that, there should be a bar under the post that gives you options for all that shit. I would threaten you again but my lawyer says that I shouldn't do that more than once a day. Goodbye for now, readers of Textual Diarrhoea!