Ghetto Chicken

They say that everyone and everything that has been created has its purpose. I'm here to scrutinize that very existence. To lay waste all theories that mankind has put forth on the matter with my sheer wit and intelligence. I'd like to think that I'm smart and that I have smarts that can smart the smartness out of other people that think they're smart. If you didn't get what that sentence implied then I'm afraid that you're not as smart as I am. Ouch, that smarts!

Moving on though... If everything exists for a reason, what is the reason that eggs exist? I know that some of you might think that the life that comes from the egg is what the egg exists for but not all eggs make it to chickenhood. Chicken hood sounds like the chicken ghetto... but that's not what I was going for.

                                                                   "What up dawg?"

                                                        "LOL I'm a chicken, not a dog."

If all eggs are created to become something great, something fluffy, and something delicious with a side of corn-on-the-cob, then why do most of them make their way to our plates every morning? It seems unfair that some eggs evolve into adults to raise eggs of their own and others end up as omelets.

I could use an equally relevant example that involved humans but I felt like that would hurt some people’s sentiments so I strayed away from that string of thought. 

Which brings me to my next point: mortality. 

You know how in the movies every bad guy, inevitably, sets out to destroy the world but first gets sidetracked and tries to attain immortality?

No? Clearly I'm not watching the right movies then... but in the movies that I have watched the bad guy always wants to live forever. I don't think that they think things through when they set goals like that for themselves; I mean, just imagine... everyone around you is dying and decaying in a timely manner and you just stay the way you are forever. Everyone you've known has probably died a natural death and nothing is fun any more because you've seen it all and done it all and most probably killed it all. What do you do when everything has been done before? You can't get frustrated and kill yourself because you can't die. 

I can't come to a concrete conclusion about any of these things so I'll leave it to you guys. If you have an opinion on any of these things then drop a comment below. If there are no comments on this thread I will ignore my failures completely and post something else later on and completely erase this failure of a blog post from my memory.

In other news - my first two books are being published soon. I can't give you a concrete date because it could take up to 3 maybe 4 weeks for distribution to kick in but once it does I'll let you guys know.

In the one year or so that I've been doing this I've amassed a whopping 2,000 page views. I know it doesn't seem like much but I never thought I'd get that many so I'm counting this as a win. Thank you guys for being awesome and wasting your precious time here, I do hope you will all continue to do so when I become rich and famous. 

I’ve managed to successfully waste ten minutes of my life and hopefully a few of yours, so I think I’ll be on my way now. Adios muchachos!

Movies that would have been made better if I had written them

I came here hoping I could spill my thoughts on this great big canvas, hoping that I could get those creative juices flowing and hoping that somewhere, somehow, something might come to me. Something that I could write about. So I just sat here. For hours...

Okay, maybe not hours. It's only been two minutes but staring at a blank piece of paper for two minutes for the average writer is the equivalent of stapling your nutsack to the kitchen countertop.  It seems like it’d be easy, but then you get around to it and it’s just a bloody mess.

So in a desperate attempt to staple my, proverbial, nuts to the, proverbial, counter here’s what I’ve come up with… What would happen in certain movies if they were set in an alternative universe? That is the theme for tonight’s discussion. As you know, this being my blog and all, there is no discussion. Much like in the real world, all you have to do is sit there and read my opinion and agree with every little thing I say.

Let’s start with The Lion King

As you all know The Lion King was the most epic movie ever made. The scene where Mufasa dies still brings tears to my eyes…

                                             Sniff.

But imagine if Mufasa had killed Scar instead of the other way around? Mufasa and his entire family would have been outcasted from the Pride and Simba would never have become King. So instead of The Lion King, the movie would have to be called The Lion Who Killed His Brother And Ruined The Lives of His Entire Family For Generations and Generations To Come.

That’s not exactly a movie title that sells itself.

Titanic

There are many alternative possibilities for this movie, like if the ship had never been made or if Kate Winslet was actually just some ugly ass rich bitch who Leonardo didn’t fancy or if the movie was set in present day with global warming and all factoring in so that the iceberg wouldn’t even be around…

I know it’s based on a true story and what the fuck not but we’re talking about parallel universes here… Not exactly the most sane discussion.

My alternative ending for this movie… Imagine if I was Leonardo and I got to paint Kate Winslet nude? I’d watch the shit out of that movie. She'd be all, "I want you to paint me, wearing this." And I'd be like, "Cool whatever I can't really get off to it but I'll do it, you know, because I'm a kind and merciful god..." and then she'd go, "Just this!" and I'd be like...

That picture makes me smile like a little kid in a candy store.

And since I’m a lazy shit that brings us to our last parallel universe movie plot and that is... DRUM ROLL PLEASE! -

Robocop

Robocop was some bad ass shit man. The dude was a robot and a friggin cop. I don’t remember much about the movie because I was maybe four years old when I first saw it but I do remember him being awesome! Imagine if the engineers that designed him didn’t design him to be a badass vigilante mother-trucker, and instead he was designed by a horny female scientist to bang on a daily/hourly basis.

Man, GIFs make everything better. Except 9Gag. Those things need to get the shit out of there, quick!

That about sums it up for this blog post. I’m not, in the slightest, sorry for wasting your time since you came here to read a blog. If you wanted to learn something new and maybe expand your vocabulary and shit pick up a book. Dumbass.

That being said…

 I love you and I need you, so please come back.

Whale Whale Whale

In precisely ten minutes, it will be Sunday and I have decided that Sunday is the unofficial blog-update-day. So from this moment on I will only update this page on Sundays and every third Tuesday of the month, every second Wednesday, every alternate Monday and 3 Thursday evenings a year. Never ever on Friday.

I did promise a series of bedtime stories so here is the first one; It's about a little Whale named Nicky, and the story is written in a style that would make Dr. Suess cringe.
It's called -

Whale of a time

Nicky had homework to do, a ton of it too.
It was due tomorrow, at half passed two.
His friends moaned and sighed, "Come out and play!" they cried.
Nicky looked over at his parents bedroom, hoping his plea for permission wont be denied.
Then he remembered, and ever so wryly, smiled, his parents weren't there; it'd been two years since they died.

So, with a spring in his step, Nicky plunged out of his whale house hut, smacking the door behind him tightly shut.
"Alright where to?" He asked his whale friends,
"We'll swim way over there, where the ocean ends!"
"That's dangerous," exclaimed Nicky, "The swim out there could get tricky!"
"Oh hush!" replied his purple whale friend, "We'll not swim too far, just to the end."

"I don't know about this." Nicky said under his breath, "We could be swimming to our death!"
His friends ignored him and flapped their big whale fins hard, setting sail towards the end and far away from Nicky's front yard.

The three whales swam for what felt like miles, the one leading the pack had put on a big fat whale smile.
"We're almost there!" one of them cried
"Almost where?" the other replied.
Nicky smacked his fin on his forehead and just sighed.

He was in the company of idiots, going into a certain demise.
The fact that it would be so much fun, came as a total surprise.
"Iceberg, straight ahead!" one of them yelled,
Nicky tried to swim away from certain doom, he buckled and ducked and he thought he looked kinda cool.
"Haha!" laughed his friend, "There was no iceberg, April fools!"
Nicky stopped in his tracks, and gave his friend a few heartfelt whacks. "It's the middle of July." He felt a tear coming, he was about to cry.

They swam hard and swam fast to the end of the ocean. They couldn't see further but they felt little motion.
"I think we'll just fall off the Earth if we go down." That was his friends preconceived notion.
"Nonsense" the other one said, "If we go through we'll reach the other end."
and so they pressed on, swimming almost clearly off. There was a sixty foot drop and the tide there was off.
The three of them were sucked into the abyuss, Nicky tried to make sense of things, they were clearly amiss.

They got sucked in and swallowed. They were tossed around until they hit the ground.
Nicky grabbed his head as he wallowed. "My friends," he said, "They're nowhere around!"
"Who said that?" said a female whales voice, "Who said what?" Said another one, twice.
"Stop repeating yourself Ricky, it could be Nicky!" the female whale replied.
"Mom, dad? Is that you?" Nicky cried.

Two big whales swam towards Nicky, "My son! My Son!" exclaimed Ricky.
"I thought you two..." Nicky egged, "We never left you," his mother replied, "We fell off the edge!"
"So what is this place?" Nicky asked baffled.
"It's the end of the world. The world" Ricky said, "It's where you go when you're dead."

So the end came quickly and abruptly for Nicky, but at least his dumbass friends died quickly. The moral of the story is this, I'm saddened to say, follow idiots into hell and you wont last a day.

fin.

The wait is over!

Yes, you read right! The wait is finally over. All you blog hungry people are in for a treat because I've decided to start this thing up again! (Suspiciously good timing for that because I've sent my blog link out to a few people so as to impress them with my gift of the gab)

The shatterer of dreams, the bringer of rain... Oh wait, that was Spartacus. Let's try that again...

The doom of evil, the mother of dragons! No, that was Khaleesi.

The man they call Ludacris...

Okay screw it. I'm just going to say it the way it is. I'm back with a brand new sense of humor, (FALSE) an amazing new grasp on The English Language, (FALSE) and a new, brighter, more positive outlook on life (ABSOLUTE FALSEHOOD)


Since I have made a return to the kingdom of blogville,  I plan on making this thing look a lot nicer and what not, thus I will not have adequate time to focus on the content of said blog, but those are just minor details. Nobody really cares about that.

For those of you that were keeping tabs on Blooperheroes, that little venture I did with a comic book style online novel... Everyone dies in the end.


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Of course I'm only kidding. The story will be picked up at some point in my existence, but until then there's going to be a lot of random blog stuff that most people will not like. Don't worry, I will not be here ranting about the things I have eaten and what I may or may not be doing with my life at this time: meaningless information or otherwise. Which reminds me it has been 48 hours since my last shower. Just thought you'd need to know that.

Have you ever smelled so bad that you can't stand your own stench? Yes? You filthy bastard. I've never experienced that. Even if I smell bad (Which I never do because I have two showers each time I shower. One normal shower and the next a deodorant and cologne shower;) I quite enjoy how I smell and when I don't smell bad, boys... Hang on to your women and women hang on to your knickers...

Now then, down to serious business... The last time I had put something up on this blog was about this time last year, which is sad for two reasons - Firstly, I had received a phenomenal response from all you, I would say beautiful, people, but I wont. Secondly, I was starting to actually enjoy people asking for more.
If you're looking for a FAQ, I'll give you a FAQ, I'll give you the best damn FAQ you've ever had... FAQ isn't slang for a commonly used swear word; but is, in fact, short for Frequently Asked Questions. Here are the answers to those questions:

Q1) Why did you stop writing the blog? I was really really into it,  your flair for the literal was unmatched and your wit, oof! So sharp it could make you bleed. I need to know, why?
A: Well, Firstly thanks for your kind words. I started the blog in a shameless and pitiful attempt to make some money, which I did not thanks to my lack of perseverance; and when I found out I would only be eligible to do so if my blog was at least a year old and active for those 12 months. Being the fickle fool I am I decided to put this thing on hold until I decided the time was right. The time, I feel, is now right.

Q2) What do you plan on changing in the event that you do come back?
A: Apart from the look and feel of the place, I'm not sure yet but when I decide, you'll know.

Q3) Will we have more stories like Blooperheroes? 
A: I suppose there is a possibility of that happening, yes.

Q4) Will you please write a short series of bedtime stories next? Pretty please?
A: Only because you asked so politely... Yes. Yes I will.

Q5) Are you as fun and as amazing in person as you are on this blog?
A: Awww, you're too kind. I'm afraid I'm not worthy of such praise. But the answer is yes. I am this amazing all day. It's hard being me sometimes.

Q6) Do you like ketchup with fries?
A: I do, but I prefer to eat them without ketchup. Thanks for asking.


That wraps up the FAQs and pretty much sums up my intentions with this blog for the coming weeks.... If you have any other questions you'd like me to answer then you can post them in the comments below or you can email them to me on iDontGiveaFAQ@gmail.com, alternatively you can call our toll free helpline - 1 800 FAQU2

Thanks for your time, and happy reading!